


A Place to Start

by Pom_Rania



Series: Little By Little [37]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Hera and Sabine have very different definitions of "fun", visually-impaired Ezra Bridger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 13:38:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12706089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pom_Rania/pseuds/Pom_Rania
Summary: Sabine and Hera talk over a few things, starting with Sabine's earlier conversation with Ezra, and Hera's perspective on it.Comes right after 'Nothing New'.





	A Place to Start

The sound of footsteps jolted Sabine from her thoughts; not that it was any great loss, she hadn’t even managed to figure out how she felt about what Ezra had told her. She turned to look, and straightened up. “Hera,” she said. “I wasn’t expecting you to show up for a while.” Or for anyone else to be there, but she didn’t say that. 

  Hera smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “I wasn’t expecting to be back so soon.” She eased into a seat; not directly beside Sabine, but there were only so many places to sit in the room. She seemed off, in a way; not quite “lost”, but lacking purpose for the moment. “How is everything going with you?”

  “It’s okay.” That was safe, neutral, and said absolutely nothing. 

  She could do better than that. Avoiding the subject wasn’t going to improve anything. 

  “Actually, I wanted to speak with you, about something.” Sabine pushed her hair back and licked her lips. “I talked with Ezra.”

  “Oh?” Hera’s voice was noncommittal, deliberately so. But not dangerously so, not like when… or, for a less painful example, when Hera had asked where all the scorch marks and paint splatters in their new hideout had come from. There was something there, but it wasn’t necessarily going to get Sabine in trouble, or cause lots of pain. 

  “He was here when I came in, and we talked for a bit, and then he left, I don’t know where he went or where he is now, he didn’t say anything about his plans.” She was rambling. “He told me that you....” What was a good way to put it? “That you said that if he did certain things, he could go on missions again.”

  He’d said other things as well, things that had worried her, but those could wait for the moment.

  “I did,” Hera cautiously said. “Did he tell you what those things were?”

  _She thinks I’m accusing her_ , Sabine suddenly realized. It made sense. If the talk between Hera and Ezra hadn’t gone very well, and Sabine only heard about it from him.... “He mentioned something about Noisy – the med droid – and also being honest about, well. Stuff.”

  Hera seemed to simultaneously relax and tense up. She crossed her legs, assuming a controlled posture. “Honesty, yes,” she began. “Without accurate and complete information, one cannot properly plan and make accommodations.”

  Obviously, but that was nothing specific to Ezra. It applied to almost every scenario. “That doesn’t seem to be anything out of the ordinary,” Sabine ventured. 

  Hera didn’t respond immediately. Her gaze was distant, like she was working out what to say. It seemed to be a pretty common state recently. “He has been… unwilling, in many cases, to share when he has a problem,” she said. “Particularly with respect to his vision, ever since he started to have issues. I need to know what he can or can’t be expected to see at any given moment, so I can account for that.”

  “And you don’t think he can be trusted to tell you on his own.” 

  Silence was all the confirmation Sabine needed.

  “The opposite holds as well. He needs to share any new skills he learns that could help him out, so we can make decisions with full knowledge of what he can do, and work with him on using it.”

  “Skills… like being able to tell if someone’s there even though he can’t see them?” She thought back to earlier. He’d been distracted then, but she didn’t know what he would have done if he hadn’t been lost in his thoughts. He probably could have heard her, she hadn’t been trying to sneak up on anyone, but there was a difference between knowing that “someone” was there, and knowing who they were and how to respond. 

  “Precisely.” Hera shifted. “Regular appointments with N015 would serve to objectively monitor any loss of function, as well as give a better picture of what can be expected, both in the immediate future and… further out.” It was clear what she meant by that last bit, there was no need to be more specific. “Additionally, as a specialist in eye problems, N015 is one of the better sources on base to consult about strategies for dealing with low vision.”

  That reminded Sabine of something; but it remained, frustratingly, at the back of her mind, just a faint tickle saying that there was a thing she’d forgotten. It wasn’t about what it meant for vision to be impaired to a particular degree, although she meant to ask someone about that as well; it was something else. “That makes sense,” she said instead. “And would he have to share Noisy’s findings?”

  “For up-to-date information –” Hera stopped herself. “Yes, he would. An alternative would be to give us permission to access certain parts of his medical records, if he prefers.”

  Sabine thought of how getting information from Ezra could be like digging through ice barehanded, even assuming that he bothered to remember it in the first place. She briefly smiled. “You may have more luck with that second option.”

  “That may well be.”

  Hera ticked points off on her fingers. “Honesty and openness, regular appointments, and the third condition is to have plans considered for various situations. He may have a gift for improvisation, but that can only take one so far, especially if one has avoided thinking about those circumstances.”

  That seemed accurate to what Sabine had heard. She didn’t say that she had offered to help with planning, and that he hadn’t taken her up on it. Nobody else needed to know that right now. 

  “If he isn’t willing to confront the less comfortable realities of his situation, and figure ways to deal with them, I don’t feel comfortable taking him into the field.”

  Something sounded wrong about that. Sabine frowned. “That doesn’t....” She shook her head. “I don’t think that logically follows. If he can handle himself, what does it matter –”

  “Because he _can’t_ handle himself.”

  Hera looked shocked at her own interruption, and tried to justify it. “His field of vision is too narrow to notice things he should, he’s essentially blind when the main lights are off, he can barely read even large text, and he’s too caught up in his own mind to work on dealing with it, just like –”

  “Just like Kanan was,” Sabine finished. 

  Hera clenched her fists on her knees. “I don’t want to go through that again,” she quietly said. “I know there’s nothing I can do to stop him from being just as blind, but he doesn’t have to fall apart like Kanan did, in order to learn the same skills. And what he’s doing now, it’s not healthy. I wish....” She rested her head in her hands.

  Unspoken wishes, ones they would never say aloud, hung between them. 

  “How would you summarize it?” Sabine said into the silence. “What Ezra has to do, that is.” That was safe, or at least safer than ‘if only’. It was safer to tap-dance unarmed and unarmoured through an active battlefield, than to let your thoughts follow 'if only’.

  “It’s simple. If he keeps us informed of what he can see and what he can do, visits N015 regularly for appointments, and has plans worked out for different scenarios where he might not be able to see what he needs, he can go on missions.”

  Throughout it all, Sabine had noticed what Hera did _not_ mention. “There was one more thing,” she said, and waited for a reaction.

  “Yes,” Hera said, once it was obvious that Sabine wasn’t going to add anything, “that.” She sighed. “It shouldn’t matter, not really. It will take a while, and the alternative is so much easier. But he asked for a test, some sort of goal to strive for, and I gave it to him.”

  “Just to be clear,” Sabine said, “you’re talking about Ezra being able to do everything with his eyes closed, right?” 

  “Yeah.”

  So they were on the same page. It was the page with Ezra not making the smartest choices possible, but that was familiar by now to both of them. (Sabine very deliberately did not think about all the stupid things she herself had done.) 

  “That was actually the first thing he said, when I saw him earlier today,” Sabine said. “He talked about that, and only mentioned the other stuff once I asked him, because it didn’t seem right. It didn’t make sense that you would require him to… be at that level, unless he was closer to needing it than I thought.”

  Hera shook her head. “Not to the best of my knowledge. I haven’t gotten confirmation from N015, that’s one of the things I wanted, but he has time, for now. He will have to function without sight eventually, but _eventually_. He doesn’t need to right now, and he doesn’t need to focus on that to the exclusion of other things that would be helpful at the moment.”

  _Good_. For all the other things that were going wrong, at least she didn’t have to worry that Ezra could see much less at the moment than she’d thought. “He said it was more important to work on learning how to,” she shouldn’t have a problem saying it, “how to do everything without needing to see.”

  Hera _drooped_ , that was the only way to describe it. She closed her eyes. “I was afraid of that. It isn’t some kind of decision he has to make, that he can only do one or the other. He can work on it with Kanan, or by himself, or however he wants to, and still have plenty of time for everything else. I shouldn’t have even brought it up as an option.”

  “Then why did you?”

  A half-hearted shrug. “I thought it would help.”

  “You made it a challenge. How else did you expect him to take it?”

  “Hindsight is all very good, but I did what I thought best in the moment.”

  That was Captain Syndulla speaking. Sabine backed down. 

  “When he first mentioned it to me,” she said, changing the subject, “he made it seem like the alternative was just going to see Noisy. He really must not like the droid.”

  Hera almost smiled. “I can’t say I entirely blame him,” she said. “It doesn’t have very good programming in some aspects. Such as treating people like people instead of case studies.”

  “I don’t know, there didn’t… seem....” Sabine trailed off as she _finally_ remembered. “Speaking of Noisy,” she said, “there’s something I meant to ask you.” She looked away, even though there was nothing to be ashamed of. “A few days ago, I… visited the droid. It doesn’t really matter why,” she quickly added, “but while I was there, I was asked if… anyways, I got an eye exam. The results were good. I’m fine. It was such a relief, something I hadn’t even considered. There’s no reason for me to worry. I guess I’m trying to ask,” and she looked back at Hera, “have you had your eyes checked over lately yourself?”

  Hera didn’t react to that at first, and Sabine worried that she’d offended her. “I hadn’t thought of that,” she said, more to herself than to Sabine. “I hadn’t thought of that at all.”

  “Is that… okay?” Sabine asked. 

  “It’s not a problem,” Hera assured her. “Actually, I’ll check if I can do that today. As I was recently reminded, I need to be able to see to fly.”

  “You haven’t been having any…?”

  “No problems I’ve noticed, but it would be good to have that confirmed.”

  “Right. That’d just leave Zeb,” Sabine said after a moment of thought. “You can deal with Chopper’s optics, I’ve already been checked over, and Kanan, well.” She wasn’t entirely sure _what_ Kanan went to Noisy for, but he had regular appointments there so she didn’t need to get after him about it. 

  “Good luck with that,” Hera said. “The last time we got Zeb to a medical professional was before you joined, and that was only because he was semi-conscious at that point. Have you ever tried to drag-carry a full-grown Lasat who’s actively resisting whenever he’s awake?”

  “I can’t say that I ever have,” Sabine faintly said. She needed to hear more about that story; Kanan would probably know, so she made a mental note to ask him. 

  A thought came to her mind. “Would Zeb know about… what you told Ezra?”

  Hera looked pensive. “I haven’t told him, and I won’t unless he asks me specifically, or Ezra says it’s okay. He might have heard it from someone else, but that’s unlikely. He’s doing another perimeter sweep today, so he probably won’t have had the time or opportunity.”

  “I thought it was a quick job, just go around and check that all the sensor beacons are working and in good condition.” At least, that was what she’d been told the last time that Zeb tried to convince her to swap tasks with him, so she’d taken it with a healthy dose of skepticism. 

  “That’s what it was,” Hera said, “but I asked him to be extra thorough this time, and also look for anything unusual. The recent… situation with the dokma was harmless, but it caught us off guard. I don’t know if there’s any way we could have known about it ahead of time, but even if there wasn’t, surely it can’t hurt to be more aware of what’s happening at the outskirts of the base.”

  Everything made sense, and it seemed perfectly normal, so why did Sabine feel so unsettled by it…? 

  Oh. Oh no.  _That_. Depending on how in-depth Zeb’s inspection went, he could come across her “special stash”, the additional explosives that Hera wouldn’t let her keep long-term on the Ghost and AP-5 refused to allow in base storage. They were all perfectly stable, of course, and wouldn’t go off even if shot at – she knew that from both theoretical chemistry and personal experience – but for some reason most people got antsy when she kept them nearby, so she’d had to find alternative places. 

  She tried to remember how well-hidden her cache was, and when she had most recently gone to it and disturbed the area. There was nothing strictly forbidden in what she had done, but it could raise awkward questions, maybe cause a false alarm, and Zeb would never let her live it down. 

  She hoped that nothing showed on her face.

  “Okay,” she said. She needed to change the subject.... “Is there anything else?” That didn’t make sense and she knew it; she was the one who had started talking to Hera, not the other way around. 

  “Actually,” Hera said, “Trae approached me on my way here. He wanted to know how you were doing with the work for his fighter, because he hadn’t heard anything since you took over the project.”

  Apparently Trae was using masculine pronouns at the moment. Sabine made a mental note of that. “I haven’t had as much time to work on it as I’d hoped,” she said, “but I’ve gotten the design finalized. Probably should have shared it with him by now, I can do that later on today. And I think we have all the paints I need, to get the proper colours and stand up to regularly being in space.”

  “What else do you still have to do with that?”

  Sabine mentally ran over the process. “Once I’ve confirmed that I have everything, there’s just checking that the exterior is in acceptable condition, priming the surface, and then applying the paint. And then admiring the results. Of course,” and she frowned, “that’s all supposing that Chopper doesn’t suddenly decide to take offense at having his image on someone’s ship. He’s already been tripping me, I don’t want him to ruin my art too. Where is he, anyways?” 

  “He’s still back by the landing zone, supervising the maintenance,” Hera quickly answered. “I made him promise to stay there until it was done. It was the only way that....”

  Sabine waited for the rest of it. 

  Hera visibly wavered, then seemed to come to a decision. “They said that I was obviously stressed, and they could handle it without me, and in fact would only handle it without me. They then stopped working and sat down, and told me to go relax. I got Chopper to....” She shook her head. “It sounds rather dumb when I say it. I guess I did need to clear my thoughts, if I insisted on Chopper overseeing something that simple.”

  “You let them get away with doing that?”

  “They had a point, and it wasn’t anything important.”

  Hera definitely needed a break, and Sabine had just the thing. “If you need to relax, I know a –”

  “I’m not going to paint with you,” Hera said over her. “That’s never been something I find relaxing.”

  Sabine almost wanted to get upset at the interruption, but that had indeed been what she was going to suggest. And if people had noticed that Hera was wound-up, it had to have been really bad. 

  She thought back to whenever the crew had had a break, for any clue of what Hera would like. In each instance she recalled, while the others were busy doing nothing productive, Hera was working, even though she really didn’t have to. That wasn’t helpful for Sabine, at all. 

  “What _do_ you find relaxing, then?” she asked. “You never seem to do something just for fun.”

  The expression on Hera’s face looked like someone had just told her that hyperspace was yellow, and the Emperor was a good and caring man who supported the Rebellion. 

  “What?” she eventually managed, after doing a plausible imitation of a fish out of water. “You really… it… that… what? I know I sometimes… but....” She shook her head. 

  “Remember the time we had to wait on that grey rocky planet for a contact? Everyone else took the time to rest, but you were doing an overhaul of… some part of the Ghost, I don’t remember.”

  “But that’s fun!”

  They both looked at each other. 

  Sabine blinked. Gradually, an idea took form. “In that case,” she slowly said, “weren’t you going to show me how to, I think it was realign the converters? Apparently it would be fun for you, and I wanted to learn it.”

  “I don’t see why not,” Hera said. “I should be,” and she snorted, “ _allowed_ to do that, and it’s always good having more people able to repair the ship if something goes wrong. How about later on today?” she suggested. “I have an appointment to make with N015.”

  “Sounds good,” Sabine said. “I still need to talk to Trae, but it shouldn’t take too long. The eye exams don’t either,” she added. Of course, at the time she had been too anxious to note how long it actually had been, but still. That was although assuming that everything went normal. What if… no. Hera was perfectly fine. It was just to make sure, and for extra peace of mind. 

  Hera shifted, and stood up. “That’s settled then,” she said. “No use wasting time. I do what I need to, you do what you need to, and when we’re both back, we work on the converters together.”

  “Yeah. Sounds like a plan,” Sabine said.

  Hera left. 

  Sabine wasn’t particularly looking forward to the work. She wasn’t dreading it, it just… didn’t seem like her idea of fun. But even aside from being a useful skill, it would take her mind off of everything else, and it would make Hera happy, so it was worth doing. 

  Now that she thought about it, Sabine supposed that Hera’s repairs were a lot like Kanan’s meditation. Neither of those seemed fun or interesting, but they both seemed to work for the person, and both served an extra purpose. Ship maintenance was pretty straightforward, as for the function it had, but meditation apparently helped one be more in tune with the Force. Which was great, for Jedi. 

  Ezra had been complaining about how meditation was so boring; not even complaining to _her_ , just complaining in general, where anyone could hear. Kanan wanted him to do more of it. Meditation, that was, not complaining. She couldn’t speak for the usefulness of meditation, but if realigning the converters turned out to be as boring as she feared, she would have something to hold over Ezra’s head the next time he complained; after all, if she could do something similar and try her best, so could he. And hey, maybe she’d discover that she enjoyed doing repairs, stranger things had happened. 

  She had something to do now, and a few more answers than she’d started with. Maybe she wouldn’t find any grand revelations, but it was a place to start. Journeys across the galaxy began with getting on the ship, and missed shots were useful for covering fire. 

  Sabine stood, stretched, and went to get her sketches for Trae. One step at a time, and right now, the first step was to share her designs.


End file.
